Does one have to think that a person is the one for you?

Does it always happen that your boyfriend is not the one you are destined to be with it? I have been single for a long time and have never felt the genuine feeling of caring for someone or the least being cared for by someone.

I have seen it all (or perhaps it is the only ones that I see for now), that everything is a just a thought or logical process in the gay world to choose a partner based on lust. After sometime, everything is about thinking, routine and falling out of love quickly. But is there falling in love really.

I may sound biased and make some generalizations. It may not be exclusive to gay people and my observations may exist amongst heterosexuals as well. With the horror relationship stories that I hear from coupled gay friends, my observations and feelings around this topic are just verified.

How does one know if a person (or gay person) is your best friend? Your lover? Your "partner"? Your soul connection? Regardless of how one looks, how one's size is - big, small, fit, or unfit...is it possible that "your inner self" is known and liked first?

It is not always going to be a smooth ride always in relationships. That is a given. We are in a polarised world after all - you can't do away with positive and negative. Both makes up the person. But what makes two people tick and stick? How much of the negativity of another can one take or love?

Ordinary to Extraordinary Dating Moments

What is an extraordinary moment? Am I looking for really extraordinary dates or romantic moments - those ones I see on TV or the big screen? Do I really want a very special moment for a first date?

These things that I have mentioned are possible in real life. The question though is if I am successful finding my man or soulmate will these moments happen through the life of our relationship?

So how about meeting my first date and passing by the local pizza shop. After which, we proceed to a nearby beach and talk anything ordinary? Is the ordinary also extraordinary?

I am not pretty much hang up with big ideas about meeting someone on a first date. I want to know the other person for who and what he is so I would be able to say "yes" to his good, bad and ugly.

The issues confronting dating is that each party feels that he is going for a job interview and this is something that I don't choose to. A person has his on good points and bad points, no exceptions. Are we dreaming if we only wish for good points. Ordinary moments can be extraordinary when each party can be themselves - so fancy dinners and it could just be an hour of chatting in a cafe, a walk in the beach. It is these moments that I would truly love.

Dream of Me

I haven't found any scenes from any movie or a music between two male couples in love. Cheesy it may sound, this song really struck my heart and somehow it makes me feel so good after listening to it. Is there a masculine man who could relate to this song?

Sleeping Pursuit of Love

It's 3AM and I cannot sleep... typing... thinking.... as Melbourne is fast asleep ready for the new week ahead.

I wonder...I ponder...whether my dreams and aspiration has fallen a asleep too. I am wondering here if a genuine best friend will ever come and should I wake up all my senses including my dreams to make things happen and fall in its proper place.

Am I watching the world where people appreciate that they have partners beside them as they sleep. Am I watching the world where people say thank you and someone is looking after them. Or is sleep a temporary refuge for falling into a mistake.

Should I really be thankful that I am single or should I still hold on to my dreams of meeting the one in my life. Where are my hopes? Where is my man? Where do I go?

Should I Smell Where My Man Is?

What are the chances again for meeting my man, my soulmate after my recent disappointments. Where should I go? Should I still continue pursuing through gay chat lines? Should I go to noisy clubs? Or should I smell my way to him?

On the side light, Cool Water has been my favorite Men's Fragrance. I had the hunch that the man I was trying to pursue on the internet, is a guy who is sensual by scent. I have other Men's fragrance, but I said to myself: I think I am going to wear this when I first meet him. I am not sure now if this is going to happen and if I have to reserve this for another occasion.

It is hard to start all over again unfortunately. I wish that there is a place where I could meet my man in not the most common places or cyber places where gays go. I know of stories where a guy met his wife for the first time when the guy was trying to help an old lady cross the street. It was that moment the girl, now his wife, saw the him for who he is and not for what he looks like.

What are relationships made of? How do you start one and where you do you meet the partner in your relationship? Does one use all the senses? Should I close my eyes and start smelling?

Chatting, Being Yourself, and Disappointments

I have been chatting with an Australian guy for the past few months. I met him on one of the gay sites and "poked" on the chat lines. The conversation was short but we did not discussed anything about sex. It was all about his internet chat ID only which started the chat talk.

We continued on to chat via Microsoft Messenger. I had no expectations quite honestly but then he started to become friendly. I had questions about meeting men, boy friends, and love and I received a suggestion to have those questions over dinner.

Due to circumstances the plan was postponed. The reasons were understandable. All through out the time I was being myself.  I have serious self doubts about myself when it comes to the love front but I managed to get rid of my insecurities.  I have to admit our chats have been very pleasant.  

We only exchanged pictures.  He would know ascertain how I look like.  I would say that I "like" him.   He would blow virtual kisses and hugs to me.  He has indicated in a number of occasions that he would allow me to cuddle him. 

He is away now spending a scheduled annual leave outside of the country.  The dinner or meet up never happened before that.   He chats to me still when time permits and whenever he has the chance to grab a computer workstation to email and touch base with family. 

Now I read from our chat exchanges his eye candy moments which made me a bit jealous, sad  and disappointed.    I thought it was a way of appreciating guy until he told me that he had a bit of a close encounter with a guy who has been "overly" friendly with him.  Though he is not sure if the guy is gay or straight, the way he describe him made me even more sad. 

I have been looking for years to meet the right man.  Discreetness has its pros and cons.  But the difficulty to find a man and relying on internet chats makes it hard to uncover deep layers of truth behind one's true intentions. 

I have the tendency to blame myself for what results in my life; but I have done my homework just to make things work.  I believe I did my very best, being myself and all, but where do I go now?   

Declare your relationship

The left most image in this blog post is NOT the real advertisement but it caught my again so I decided to take a snap shot. Starting 1 July 2009, Centrelink will recognise same-sex relationships. This means that all Gays and Lesbian couples in Australia should declare their relationships to receive benefits from the government. Is this a start of same sex marriage in Australia?

It could be. Under new law under the Rudd Government, same-sex couples and their children will be treated equally in the areas of tax, superannuation, social security, health care and aged care. It is not clear to me though that property becomes conjugal after all it is not a gay marriage.

I believe it is a soft opening for gay marriage and the gay community should be thankful that it has progressed at this level. I am at this stage not comfortable with the gay marriage thing as it is an open invitation still for hurtful debates and ridicule.

I reckon this version of the law is a discreet gay marriage one.

The Short Hair, The Eyes and the Armpits

Sounds kinky? Yes, maybe. But I prefer not to sound dirty. The short hair, the eyes, and the armpits are the three things I check out from a guy. It has something to do with my sensuality.

There is more to see in a guy's eyes. I have a strong belief that it is the window to one's soul. I can easily tell whom to trust and whom not to trust. That is though when my emotions don't overrule my logical reasoning. It does not matter if a guy's eyes is blue or brown, you just know when you look at his eyes who he is.

Vince, first picture, from CorbinFisher has probing blue eyes while Hayden, second picture, has eyes of an innocent boy. Though inconclusive, it more or less give you the impression whether you are going to trust these guys.

Clean cut guys rocks my boat. Easy to smooch and kiss a guy from front to back of his head. Usually short hair gives me the impression of a masculine straight acting guy. The sight of a guys armpits for some reason gives me the throbbing inside my chest.

I like these two men, however it is Hayden's innocent and kind face that won my eyes and heart.

Corbin Fisher Moments: Ty

I really don't mind whether I Corbin Fisher's models are straight or not.  Technically, the dictionary meaning of being gay will make them really fall as homosexuals unless one brings up the term "sex for money."

While I don't see any traces of the "sex for money" attitude in these men,  you will learn to appreciate the personalities of these men.   Most of the episodes features a talk between the two guys especially when one of them is new to the man to man thing.   If you have a good judge of character, you will see from the conversations the type of personality the model has.  Kudos to Corbin Fisher as most of the models are not being air heads. 

Ty is my latest favorite.  A "straight" guy with an energy of sensitivity which makes the guy really adorable.  There are no traces of gayness in the way he moves.  His latest Team up with Travis was just pure sensual.  As I mentioned in my previous blog post, I watch more the foreplay and kissing than the real action.  Ty holds Travis' face like it was his girl friend. 

 I wonder if there is a gay guy in Melbourne like Ty?

Twitter or Gay Chatting

I haven't seen much of the gay community using Twitter. This is just an observation.  Either they are too busy in gay chat rooms or they are out clubbing.  I know that on Twitter one meets really fantastic and genuine people.  I am not quite sure how this one goes with the gay community.  

I know that proper decorum is expected among Tweeters.  Gay innuendos are not welcome in the Twitter community.  No one expects to post Tweets asking for well hung men who can bottom a gay guy.   People don't expect you to use Twitter as a "fly" under your pants.  Twitter is the last "birdie" that  a gay guy would use to find sex. 

Being as it may be,  I am tired of the gay chatting culture that I see.  Where the main focus is only sex, will Twitter be successful in capturing the market of gay men who seeks love? Will it work for a discreet gay guy like me? 

Gay American Idol Season 8

Does it mean that I am gay that I would vote for Adam Lambert, who is gay, over Kris Allen, a straight American Idol contestant?  

I am glad I am not faced with that question because non American based viewers are not allowed to vote.  Weeks ago, the American viewing public saw an upset win of an underdog, Kris Allen.  What was believed to be an Adam Lambert show, the judges seemed to allegedly picked this gay dude as the favorite and most probable winner of season 8. 

There is no doubt that Adam Lambert is very talented but an over theatrical style of singing is not my liking and therefore if ever I would be in the states voting, he will not get mine. 

I would associate myself also to the character of Kris Allen as humble and thriving artist.  The debut single from the American Idol, No Boundaries, suits the fairy tale story of this young man.  Who would think that an underdog win American Idol?  

Discreet Straight Acting Cubs

Recently I found myself being physically attracted to solid stocky men.  I am particularly refer to those men who are are not overly obese - just about right & masculine.   

It reminded of Kevin James of the King of Queens comedy show.  Though Kevin is too big for me, his face is cute and he is very manly. 

I  find it totally strange with the sudden shift in my interests with these types of men.  I did make out with a guy who is strong, chub and bearish.  The warmth of the dude as out bodies touch each other was electrifying.  I am thinking: Could it be that I am looking for someone who is strong in personality?  Have I been looking in the wrong direction with the type of man I want for a life time relationship? 

I am not the typical Gay Asian Man that some Caucasian would look for - as I am not in the skinny type.    I have a very bad habit of judging my physical physique.  The experience has shown me that the things I think about myself maybe different to what other people perceive of me.  I may be too hard on myself for years. 

Sensuality

Though I am discreet, I am no angel and I do watch porn.  I have been looking for ages a porn site that would give me some sensuality in its scenes.  CorbinFisher.com was the answer. 

Weird it may sound, I watch more the foreplay than the actual action these models portray.   I guess I got too tired of the mechanical sex that I see and hear about in the gay community.  

What I am excited about this site is that 90% of the models are straight men.  I was skeptical at first but having subscribed to their site for more than a year, I know Corbin wasn't bullshitting having straight men in their line up.  Each episode present a natural and genuine sex play between two men exploring each other. 

Who am I attracted to?

I knew right when I was a kid that I was different.  Only a few would understand this and often I have been asked if I have been sexual at an early age.  This question comes from a gay person who may have only logic rather than a feeling. 

I did not know to whom and how should I be attracted to a man. I grew up thinking that I could be in a relationship with a straight man.  Crazy as it may seem, but no one really showed me the way.  The Soul inside me just keeps on pounding whenever I am with a very masculine man.  I grew as a teenager realising this and to this day I could attribute my reasons for being discreet to the fact that I am attracted to masculine men. 

I am also attracted to Gay White Men partly because of the physical aspects.  I am thinking though that much of my attraction too was because of the way they think and their practicality in life.  It is hard to find though gay white man who is sensitive.  Though their ways are opposite of a crazy culture such as the asians,  I would want a life time partner who does not have a hardened heart. 

Discreetness: Why do I need to Hide?

One of the most controversial topics in different cultures and religions would be homosexuality.  It is a very hot topic filled with judgement, anger, possibly ignorance and the worse emotion is fear.   A handful would say that it is okay to be gay, but observing from a vantage point of life, homosexuality remains a mystery to me where it is often ridiculed and thrown stones at. 

It is not my goal to induce fear in this blog.  Believe me, I have managed becoming discreetly gay and have my own painful experiences.  I am not totally out and people who are close to me know and understand why I hide.  It did not take me effort to let them comprehend my predicament.  They just know that it was my choice. 

I  use the "I do not care what people think" with enough caution.  Life's mainstream contains twists and turns.  I have to assimilate very well with people and not push my sexuality down their throats.  While it is okay to be gay,  the judgements, whether you don't care or not what people say, will either directly and indirectly may affect you.   I know a lot of gays either deny this or simply just are not aware of this. 

Each one has its own life's fingerprint.  My gay experiences will definitely be different from the other gay men.  My views on here will definitely be judged as well amongst the gay community.  My point of view , my experiences, my emotions and my disposition are as such.  It is just is.  Eventually it boils down to one's life choice being discreet.   I may see the world differently to what other gay men see it. 

Flamboyancy is not my style and it will never be.  My soul says so and would follow that direction.  This is how I gain respect from other people who knows and suspects about my sexuality.  Whilst I have known a few gay flamboyant men who have been successful in life,  I am sure they have their own stories to tell and honestly I would like to learn from them. 

What rocks my boat is a gay man who is the opposite of being flamboyant.  Attraction is something that everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, cannot explain.  You are just attracted to a certain sub-set of society.   I wanted a man who wants to be a man; and I should be that "man" whom I would like to attract - straight acting. 

This is my life. The discreet gay life that I choose to be.